rei and shuuhei had choices but they opt to work this christmas so it's a quiet one again this year.
parents are off for an american christmas and word has it that oli's hosting them. ellie's back in hkg. shin's having a hawaiian christmas til new year's eve. sounds like a lonely xmas for us eh?
to tell the truth, i quite look forward to this weekend. i mean not that i'm complaining but i've been constantly accompanied and i never had a quiet time of my own since the break up. i know it doesn't really make sense to so called mourn over it but hey there were good times too and i'm human. he had a special place in my heart and i know clearly that i meant something to him too. i guess we were caught in a mud created by lingering feelings and temptations.
i've always been blessed since birth. having to have grew up half of my life in australia, i experienced the differences of people and cultures. while i'm proud to be a japanese, i wouldn't want to be stuck there as you know how that part of the world is. after grad, i had the privilege to travel. people who don't know me well have a very different impression of me. being raised out of japan and having both parents as doctors, they tend to think that i'm a spoiled princess. i don't blame them, really. it's a by-product derived from my affinity towards fine and expensive material. well, what they don't know is that i bought many of those stuff with my own hard-earned money. i worked damn hard to be where i am now.
my decision to join un left them gobsmacked but they went to the extend of saying that it was just a facade. what they didn't know didn't hurt me for i know exactly what i wanted in life. my years in war and despair-ridden areas showed the worst side of humanity and it did me well. stripping the luxurious side of me to join un was and will always be one of the best decisions i've ever made. while i witnessed poverty, pain, despair, selfishness, loss of faith, cruelty and monstrosity of humankind, i experienced hope, faith, kindness, humbleness and love. that kept me human and sane.
it was also then when i met the love of my life. we shared the same vision and had the same goal but god had other plans for us so he took doug away to be his side. coming back to japan isn't something i planned for and to be frank, isn't something i wanted. while i looked happy exterior, i longed to be out there again. i guess you could say it was like a drug. i suppressed it, convincing myself to let myself learn new things. dad set my path to be a doctor when i was young and for the second time in my life, he set another path for me and i felt almost useless. winning the award made things smoother for me. it was a recognition that many finally accepted of me. it affirmed my position and status.
the now me, well, is something i want and not want to be. things are too easy for me to obtain. everything's laid out for me. but something's missing. perhaps that is why i decided to work on xmas. i missed those times when my sole purpose was definite.
sorry if this is too heavy for the festive season. ^^
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